How Can a Man Lead His Family? (Biblical Guide)
This article has been adapted from a talk given to the Hammer & Anvil Society. For more information on the Hammer & Anvil Society, go here.
Introduction
How can a Christian man lead his family in a way that maximizes God’s approval, his family members’ thriving, and his own satisfaction?
That is what we are going to talk about in this article.
A man’s duty to his family is a sacred trust, given by God. And that duty is bound up with the broader mission of God given to the whole church.
Our mission, or “Great Commission,” which is given by Jesus Christ, is to disciple the nations. And this commission is rooted in the ultimate authority of Jesus Christ.
See Matthew 28:18–19:
Jesus came near and said to them, “All authority has been given to me in heaven and on earth. Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.”
Carrying out this mission means going to foreign nations, as well as working within the nation where we are today. In every nation and across all human societies, God has established three distinct spheres of government.
According to the Bible, the three spheres of authority, or government, are (1) The State, (2) The Church, and (3) The Household. For each of these spheres, God has given guidelines and established an authority structure. While each sphere is presented with a different degree of specificity (i.e. the household sphere is spelled out in the finest detail, whereas the state is spelled out in the least amount of detail), all three have their legitimacies granted to them by God and recorded in the Bible.
First, let’s briefly take a look at the biblical legitimacy of each of the three spheres of authority, and then we will dive in to the household sphere and look at how a man can lead his family well.
The Three Spheres of Government, According to God
All Scripture references are from the Christian Standard Bible, unless otherwise noted.
The Biblical Authority of the State
Jesus grants the authority of the civil government and its right to collect taxes, while prohibiting it from having all-encompassing power.
See Matthew 22:20-21:
“Whose image and inscription is this?” he asked them.
“Caesar’s,” they said to him.
Then he said to them, “Give, then, to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.”
Paul exhorted Christians to submit to the civil authorities, including their authority to tax, while stipulating that the authorities have a responsibility to judge evil and not to terrorize good behavior.
See Romans 13:1-7:
Let everyone submit to the governing authorities, since there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are instituted by God. So then, the one who resists the authority is opposing God’s command, and those who oppose it will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Do you want to be unafraid of the one in authority? Do what is good, and you will have its approval. For it is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, because it does not carry the sword for no reason. For it is God’s servant, an avenger that brings wrath on the one who does wrong. Therefore, you must submit, not only because of wrath but also because of your conscience. And for this reason you pay taxes, since the authorities are God’s servants, continually attending to these tasks. Pay your obligations to everyone: taxes to those you owe taxes, tolls to those you owe tolls, respect to those you owe respect, and honor to those you owe honor.
And Peter likewise commands Christians to honor the authorities, both at the “federal” and “lesser magistrate” levels, as an act of freedom, rather than compulsion, for the sake of our Christian witness and apologetic.
See 1 Peter 2:13-17:
Submit to every human authority because of the Lord, whether to the emperor as the supreme authority or to governors as those sent out by him to punish those who do what is evil and to praise those who do what is good. For it is God’s will that you silence the ignorance of foolish people by doing good. Submit as free people, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but as God’s slaves. Honor everyone. Love the brothers and sisters. Fear God. Honor the emperor.
A specific governance structure for the state or civil sphere is not spelled out in Scripture.
The Biblical Authority of The Church
The legitimacy of the church as a sphere of authority is spelled out in the following verses.
Jesus promises to build His church.
See Matthew 16:18:
And I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overpower it.
The Holy Spirit comes upon believers, establishing the church, with baptism as its initiatory rite, Scripture as its foundation, and fellowship as its practice.
See Acts 2:1-47:
When the day of Pentecost had arrived, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like that of a violent rushing wind came from heaven, and it filled the whole house where they were staying. They saw tongues like flames of fire that separated and rested on each one of them. Then they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in different tongues, as the Spirit enabled them.
…
Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, each of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and for your children, and for all who are far off, as many as the Lord our God will call.” With many other words he testified and strongly urged them, saying, “Be saved from this corrupt generation!” So those who accepted his message were baptized, and that day about three thousand people were added to them.
They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread, and to prayer.
Paul calls the church the household of God and the pillar and foundation of the truth.
See 1 Timothy 3:15:
But if I should be delayed, I have written so that you will know how people ought to conduct themselves in God’s household, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth.
Elsewhere in the New Testament, a structure of authority (elders) and assistance (deacons) is described. Likewise, certain instructions are given pertaining to corporate worship and community.
The Biblical Authority of the Household
The life of the family is spelled out in several verses, but families and households are themes that run through all of Scripture. The human race began with a family with Adam and Eve, as did God’s chosen people, with Abraham and Sarah. The Bible provides a blueprint for how families should be run, with the father bearing the final responsibility for the spiritual leadership of the home and the discipleship of children.
Genesis 2:24:
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9:
And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Proverbs 22:6:
Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Ephesians 6:4:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
All Three Spheres of Authority Require Self-Government
It is worth noting that proper functioning in each of the three spheres of authority requires self-government. A man must have a handle on self control and a firm standing on solid principles rooted in truth, or he will make a mess of any attempt to carry out any obligations to the state, the church, or his own family.
Self-government is addressed throughout Scripture, but let’s just look briefly at the following four verses, to get a sense of what it says.
Genesis 4:7:
If you do what is right, won’t you be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.”
Joshua 24:15
But if it doesn’t please you to worship the Lord, choose for yourselves today: Which will you worship—the gods your ancestors worshiped beyond the Euphrates River or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living? As for me and my family, we will worship the Lord.
Ezekiel 18:20
The person who sins is the one who will die. A son won’t suffer punishment for the father’s iniquity, and a father won’t suffer punishment for the son’s iniquity. The righteousness of the righteous person will be on him, and the wickedness of the wicked person will be on him.
Jeremiah 31:30
Rather, each will die for his own iniquity. Anyone who eats sour grapes—his own teeth will be set on edge.
So then, what have we learned? In Scripture there are three spheres of authority laid out for society, and all three rely on the integrity of self-government, or self control.
We have seen that the Great Commission requires us to disciple the nations, and that the nations are to be governed according to the three spheres of governance that God has set in place.
Now we are ready to talk about how our households fit into the whole equation, and how we as Christian men are supposed to be leading our families.
Big idea: Pious Households are Crucial for Discipling the Nations
If our goal is to make disciples of all nations (and it is), we will need to know how to influence these three spheres. The household is the fundamental building block of society. As such, it is the sine qua non of societal transformation. The first step in pursuing our mission of making a huge impact for the Kingdom of God in our local areas is to make a huge impact for the gospel in our own households.
So What Is a household?
Fundamentally a household is not a building, or even a (merely) family, but an authority structure.
Historically the household is a mini-”economy,” the word economy meaning oikos (house) nomos (law). Its members work together for mutual benefit, the “common good” (C. R. Wiley).
Historically, households were centers of industry and creation. Businesses were run out of homes—just as many businesses are still run out of homes today.
Although a household can be more than a family, it is certainly not less than a family. And family is certainly the more common term today. So for the remainder of this article, I reserve the right to use the terms household and family interchangeably.
Now Let’s Talk About “Piety.”
What is pious is that which exhibits piety. And what is piety? It’s devotion to one’s duty, so to speak. There’s an ancient Greek word that means the same thing as to show piety, eusebew: “to act reverently towards God, one’s country, magistrates, relations, and to all whom dutify regard or reverence is due. In our English Bibles, the word is typically translated as “godliness.”
We see this concept in Scripture.
See Romans 3:17:
Pay your obligations to everyone: taxes to those you owe taxes, tolls to those you owe tolls, respect to those you owe respect, and honor to those you owe honor.
“Piety pays its debts,” as Wiley has put it.
A pious household is one that is rightly ordered—its members are rightly ordered one to another; the household itself is rightly ordered in relation to society, the authorities, and the cosmic order, and the household and its members are rightly ordered toward God.
What kind of households do we therefore want? We want pious ones. Understanding this is a huge step forward toward understanding how to lead your family as a Christian man.
The next thing to figure out is what a pious household actually looks like.
What Is a Pious Household Like?
Remember, piety is about being rightly ordered and fulfilling one’s duties and “debts.” So to figure out what a pious household is like, we need to talk about three ways that the household relates: in relation of one member to one another, in relation to society, and in relation to God.
The Household Members’ Relationships to One Another
Let’s talk about how the members of the family relate to each other. Husbands are the head of the household, so let’s start with husbands.
The word husband comes from two old words, hus (house) and bondi (holder). To be a husband is to be a householder, a dweller in, and manager of, a household. He is the one who takes ownership of the household and responsibility for its members; he holds—”bonds”—the household together.
Look at some of the requirements for elders and male deacons in 1 Timothy 2 to get a sense of the ideal Christian husband and father:
Above reproach
Hospitable
Not an excessive drinker
Not a bully but gentle
Not quarrelsome
Not greedy
Manages his household well
Have his children under control with all dignity
Keeping a good reputation among outsiders
Worthy of respect
Not hypocritical
That is a pretty impressive list. For us husbands, it may seem rather daunting. How often do we fall short of these qualities, and how much we need the Lord’s help to fulfill His calling on our lives!
At the center of the pious household is a pious marriage. According to Scripture, a marriage is like a play, in which the husband plays the role of Christ, and his wife the role of the church (cf. Ephesians 5:22-33).
The husband is the authority over his wife (1 Corinthians 11:3). He is responsible for self-sacrificially leading her and the children, and he answers to Christ for how he governs and leads his household. He is also responsible for the education of the children (Ephesians 6:4). He is not to be a tyrant, nor to seek his own benefit above the benefit of the other household members.
In other words, he should be a good and godly “Patriarch.” Patriarch is a term that’s gotten a bad rap lately, but which is nonetheless a good term. The household is rightly ordered with the father as the patriarch, and the mother—who is in every way his equal—placing herself in submission to him, with the two of them over the children.
Far from being an oppressive overlord, the godly patriarch gently, strongly leads his family before the throne of God and teaches them God’s word.
C. R. Wiley calls fathers “the middlemen of the cosmos. He stands between his household and heaven, representing each to the other.”
The Household Members’ Relationships to Society
Here again, we may identify three ways that the family members connect to society. Let’s look at religious connections, neighborly connections, and industrious connections. What do these mean? Keep reading to find out.
Religious Connections
As you lead your pious family, you will oversee religious connections to your local church, to missionaries, and to other organizations.
Connect To Your Local Church
The pious family belongs to a local church and contributes in appropriate ways, that are beneficial to the local church. Godly fathers foster meaningful participation in a local church body. This participation can take the form of a small group, youth group, kids ministry, mercy ministries, greeting on Sunday mornings, and the myriad other ways there are to get connected into the local church. Of course, the bare minimum here is attending corporate worship on Sunday mornings.
Connect to Missionaries
You want your family to support the mission of God in the world—both at home and abroad. You can help further that work by funding and praying for missionaries. My family has enjoyed getting to know the missionary family that we have partnered with over the years. As former missionaries ourselves—and still currently functioning as missionaries—we have loved the chance to get to know families around the country (and beyond) who help support our work.
Connect to Other organizations
Your children may be involved in discipleship programs like AWANA. You, your wife, or your children may belong to discipleship initiatives that are not run through your local church, such as Bible Study Fellowship, the Hammer & Anvil Society, etc. There are many opportunities. Another way you might do this is by sponsoring a child through Compassion International, or a similar organization.
Neighborly Connections
I want to mention three ways your can lead your family in practicing godly neighborliness. These three ways are: caring for those in need, practicing hospitality, and participating in the neighborhood.
Caring for those in need
Pious families practice what James referred to as “true religion,” i.e. caring for widows and orphans in their distress and keeping themselves unstained by the world (James 1:27).
Practicing hospitality
Pious families open up their home to others, both believers and non-believers, for the purpose of fellowship as well as evangelism. There is a good reason why one of the biblical requirements for elders is that they be men who are hospitable (1 Timothy 3:2).
Participation in the neighborhood
Do you believe that God has placed your family in your city, neighborhood and block for a particular purpose? Scripture says this is exactly what God has done—both for you and your neighbors (cf. Acts 17:26). Searching for opportunities to participate in neighborhood activities is an exciting way for you to lead your family in a godly way.
Industrious Connections
Why should you think about “industrious” connections? Nowadays, we don’t tend to think of families and households as centers of industry. However, in Scripture, they are often presented as such.
The household as a center of industry
Both biblically and historically, the household is where businesses were run out of.
Take a look at Proverbs 31 and read what the “stay-at-home wife” does in that passage. Hint: she does not do a lot of staying at home, although she is clearly managing and running the domestic sphere of the family. For her, the household is a center of industrious activity. Brother, how can you and your wife begin taking steps to think likewise about your own household?
See also Titus 2, which says women should be “workers at home.” This doesn’t merely mean homemaking, but also participation in the family industry. Scripture interprets Scripture, so Paul may have had Proverbs 31 in mind when he wrote that chapter. And even if he did not, we should!
The Household Members’ Relationship to God
As you seek to lead your family in a godly way, ponder three ways that your family relates to God. This relationship comes through each member’s individual devotion, as well as through engaging in family worship together, and finally through joining God on His mission.
Individual Devotion?
Each household member should develop his or her own relationship with God—his or her own personal piety. Fathers should firmly, gently and lovingly help his children learn how to read the Bible. A husband ought to be encouraging his wife in her Scripture reading. And of course, the family patriarch must be modeling what personal godly piety looks like for the rest of the family.
Will we get this wrong? Of course. “We all stumble in many ways” (James 3:2). Yet as we pursue our own spiritual disciplines, it will become increasingly natural for the rest of the family to follow suit.
Family Worship
Check out the book by Donald S. Whitney called Family Worship. He identifies three essential elements as read the word, pray and sing. The household becomes a little church.
If you are ready to start leading your family in a regular practice of family worship, you will find The Think Institute’s Family Worship Playbook and 5-Day Challenge especially helpful.
Joining God On His Mission
Include your wife and children in your evangelistic endeavors. Hand out Gospel tracts on Halloween. Host Thanksgiving at your house and lead a time where you, your wife, and your children share gratitude for God’s blessings—in front of your non-Christian family members. Find ways to serve your neighbors in Jesus’ name. By joining God on His mission together with your family members, you will be raising up the younger generation to become godly Christians who will impact the world. Your family will become a platoon for God’s future army.
So, How Pious Is Your Family Today?
Take a moment to assess your current situation. Reflect on how the Bible describes a well-led, pious family. Where are you nailing it right now? Where are you falling short? Be honest with yourself and before God. Are there areas where you could improve in your family leadership?
One common problem facing many husbands and fathers—and this includes the present author—is that of consistency. We know that we ought to be very consistent and faithful in our family leadership, but there is a gap between where we ought to be and where we currently are.
How can you become more consistent?
Bridging the Consistency Gap
Bridging the consistency gap begins with repenting and recommitting to Christ. Then, bear fruit in keeping with repentance and start making the necessary changes.
Seek biblical guidance for how to improving your own personal devotions and spiritual disciplines. Get into a community of like minded men who are also striving to lead their families in church engagement, family worship, and evangelism. Again, the Hammer & Anvil Society exists for this purpose, but there are other groups out there as well. Find one and get plugged in.
Conclusion
There are things you can do today. Receive God’s grace, and know that you aren’t going to turn everything around in a day. This will take time to build. Stay in God’s word and believe it will be worth it.
Continue to make improvements as you go. Don’t expect to be perfect tomorrow. You won’t be perfect until Jesus comes back or takes you home.
You want to lead your family well as a Christian man, and the Lord wants the same thing for you. Lean on Him—not your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5–6), connect into godly community, and get to work!
May the Lord bless you as you lead your family for the glory of Jesus Christ.
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This post was sponsored by The Hammer & Anvil Society.
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